I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
