I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
