so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
