he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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