Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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