Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
