well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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