scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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