I wish my penis had an off switch
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
