I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
