I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
