in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
