I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There's always time for handjobs
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
