I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
