its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
