It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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