last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
