i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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