**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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