You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
