my vag is so smooth its legendary
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
