He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I am never drinking with the goths again.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
