It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I am mentally ready for anal.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
