Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I did not marry a roomba.
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