Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
