Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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