I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
time to smoke my breakfast
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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