Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
