I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I am naked and annoyed.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
