ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
