sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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