Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize