the new term for farting is butt boxing.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
