So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
