i already hear my dad disowning me
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
