The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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