i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
