I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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