I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
