My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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