So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
