if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
