I hate all girls vehemently.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
