When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
