Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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