Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize