Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
