oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
