Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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