Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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