I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
