I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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