Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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