every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
