apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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