I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
